Okay, for those of you who haven't heard, this is part of my newest project, a series of children's mysteries - sort of in the vein of two/five-minute mystery type whodunnits. Besides Case One, there's also a Pilot, which briefly introduces us to the characters - focusing on the protagonist, a fourteen-year-old girl named Penny Dreadful, who was framed for the murder of her father's business partner, and so is on the run from the police.
The piece I'm submitting is the second part of her first case, meaning it's the revelation and resolution portion of the mystery. If you haven't read the first part, you can find it here.
Otherwise, what I really need to know for this piece is the ending. Basically, it doesn't have one. Also, the plot needs a little work. And of course, a close critique of style, character, dialogue, etc. would be much appreciated.
Here it is:
http://docs.google.com/Doc?id=ddngxwg_157fmnj83
Thank you all, and I look forward to critiquing your works as well!
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3 comments:
irst of all, i love the personification: how she is greeted by emptiness and how the wall "hardly needed an excuse to crumble". at these things i smiled :)
Secondly, im not very fond of Lucy. not sure what kind of person she is when shes not yelling at Rat, but that first impression is rather...i dont know, she seems a bit immature. id probly take out an "i dont want to hear it" or maybe an "im through!" or two. that part in her dialogue seemed a bit repetitive and not very flowy.
And also, even for a rough draft, it seemed to skip around a bit. Not meaning i couldnt follow it, but it moved sort of fast, with not nearly as much detail as i noticed when reading (i think chapter 2..?) your Claudius novel. whats the title of that, anyway? id hate to keep calling it "that Claudius novel"
Good luck, and i hope i was helpful
-Salo
I am intrigued! The in-depth critique of character, dialogue, etc. that you requested I'd like to save until I've read more (and have more free time), but for now, let me give you some preliminary thoughts.
I love how you're not afraid to totally embrace all the noir prescriptions. The dialogue ("I want the straight"), the spooky warehouse, the gangs, the delicious, delicious naming conventions - you really delve into it, and I love it.
What I'd be interested to see is what would happen if you let the actual language of the story push in that direction. Your plot, characters, dialogue all seem to be moving in one direction, and your prose is a bit too sparse to support them all the way there. Ham it up! Luxuriate in the action sequences, take a little time with the Butcher's description, give us a moment to build up suspense while she's bringing down the grille. I like your characters and the world you're building, and the more lush and decadent you can make the descriptions, the more I'll be able to fall in love with what's happening.
All in all, bravo!
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